Turning over a new leaf

Today is the first day of Fall. It’s my favorite season and I’m excited about getting just a bit closer to being able to put up all of my Halloween decorations. Now that I have my hallway back, I can bring back the Hall of Horrors! Yay!

 

But this new cycle of the year is not just about that or even about the return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks. Though all of that is nice!

 

No, the reason for this blog post is that I had something happen recently, and with a message I received today, it really made me think!

 

As part of getting sober, I make it a point to do the things that I need to do in order to make peace with my past. This includes shadow work, exposure therapy, meditation and journaling. These things help me to come to terms with a lot of bad stuff that happened in my past. I will often remember the bad things that I did and once again fall into a pattern of self-loathing and insecurity. No matter how much I try to remind myself that I am not that person anymore, I keep feeling angry at myself for things I did in the past and things I can’t make right with people.

 

My dreams often provide insights, too. And it was a dream that helped me to understand that there was still something that I needed to work on.

 

Recently, I had a dream with someone I hurt in the past. We no longer speak to each other but in this dream, we shared all of the things that we wanted to say but probably would not really say to each other. Now I don’t know if what the person said is actually true, but I kept thinking about the things that I said. I would certainly NOT say those things in real life.

 

And I kept asking myself, why did I even have this dream?

 

Part of me thinks it had something to do with a follower on Instagram that brought up old memories and old feelings. It made me realize that I was still holding a grudge against this person because of other things that happened that hurt and made me angry!

 

Then I got my message for today: “This is a period of out with the old, in with the new, and that which has been released, will be replaced with the manifestation of wonderful new experiences.”

 

After reading that, I realized something: I was STILL holding onto that grudge from my past! THAT is why I said all of that stuff in the dream. That was me sharing all the things that I kept buried. I was basically unloading that luggage and that part of my past that was holding me back and weighing me down. I was speaking it to get rid of it.

 

Yes, I have tried working those sentiments out in a variety of ways, but that anger, regret and sadness were still there. I knew I had to deal with them. I had to let go of this old way of seeing that experience and embrace the new me that came out of it as well as 100% completely accept the other person existing in the present. This acceptance must be without any part of the past attached to it, and it is. 

 

It was time for me to move past that experience. It no longer matters if certain things are never going to be said; what only matters is letting go of those negative feelings attached to that memory and seeing it as only a memory. Something in the past that will stay in the past.

 

In other words, I am turning over a new leaf just as the new season means to turn over a new leaf. I can’t continue to move forward into the new if I still have something old holding me down. THIS was holding me down! And I truly believe that as long as we cling to something from our past, even if it brings us pain, we cannot have room in our lives for new experiences.

 

Becoming sober has brought new experiences into my life. I have continued to receive new experiences now, at almost seven years of being sober. I want to continue to have new things happening and new people coming into my life. I am all about the new stuff! I want all the new stuff! So in order to make that happen, I have to let go of the old things that have negative feelings attached to them. I just need to set it free.

 

And I need to stop holding those grudges against people. Every single one.