Musical Memories

So in the work chat today, my boss asked what song was everyone’s favorite. I decided to pass on participating, but as others sounded off on songs they loved, it took me on a trip along Memory Lane. A lot of the songs they mentioned were songs I heard growing up.

 

And some songs that I REALLY heard before I lost my hearing.

 

I jumped into the convo saying that I lost my hearing in 1987, but there were some songs that I heard before I became deaf.

 

Songs such as “Purple Rain” by Prince and Michael Jackson songs such as “Beat It” and “Billie Jean.” (My entire family were fans of Michael Jackson!)

 

Another song mentioned, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler, is another song I enjoyed before deafness, as well as “The Rose.”

 

Music was a huge thing in my family. Music was playing in our house every day. We all loved playing and listening to music. I often played music while doing chores. Sometimes we would dance or sing along to songs playing. And when I was a teenager dealing with typical teen stuff, I often hung out in my parents’ car, playing the radio.

 

These days, I have a complicated relationship with music, mainly because I can’t hear it. This is why I am not a fan of modern bands, musicians and rock stars. I learn about them through other people and know what their sings are if the video has captioning or there is some way to read lyrics. I only know songs from before I became deaf. Sometime after I got a hearing aid, my siblings would try to help me “hear” songs by playing them loud, or they would tell me the lyrics. (This was before everything on TV was closed captioned.)

 

But becoming deaf and losing the ability to enjoy music like I used to threw me into a deep depression that lasted for a long time. I loved music, but it could no longer be a part of my life.

 

What was worse was when I later lost the very little hearing I had left in my right ear, so hearing aids did not help as much as they used to. I still wore it, because it offered some help, but then I stopped after wearing them hurt my ear too much.

 

One thing I did to cope with no longer having music in my life was to shun EVERYTHING that had to do with music. I even refused to sing. (I sang in chorus at school.) But then I just got to a point where I couldn’t do that anymore. My love for music was still there.

 

Then I tried to enjoy music “the deaf way”—by placing my hand on speakers and instruments while they played. This only worked so much. I didn’t feel music as well as other Deaf individuals did.

 

I have accepted that music is no longer in my life the way it used to be. All I have are my memories of songs from the past. These are songs I still enjoy in my head – for as long as I can remember them all! I also enjoy watching dance and try to imagine what the music sounds like.

 

My kids enjoy music, of course. They can both hear and I made sure they had music in their life somehow, whether it was playing CDs on a player, playing the music channels on TV or playing songs on YouTube. As they got older, they enjoyed music on iPods and other tech that allowed them to listen to music. Sometimes they have told me about songs they really liked and would play a YouTube video of the song with the lyrics appearing or captioning in the video.

 

I am aware that there is a recent invention for individuals who are deaf to enjoy music. Some kind of vest thing to wear that picks up the vibrations of music. I am dubious about this thing. Vibrations are not the same as actually hearing music, which is the one thing in the world I wish I had again. For now, I only have my memories of songs from yesteryear.