"Hollywood is calling!"

I did something on my personal Twitter account yesterday that I don't normally do: I tweeted a bunch of personal stuff – stuff I would not publicly say because there are just too many people out there who don’t understand or don’t care. Plus a lot of trolls! So what’s tweeting about it going to achieve? Nothing! I needed a more productive method of getting all of those words out, so I decided that I will spend time this week focusing inward and writing about it.

 

I was planning to write about all of it in my memoir and I figure now is as good a time as any to do that! Hopefully it will heal my broken heart.

 

I am not worried about getting things wrong when I write about all this in my memoir. That dream brought EVERYTHING back -- everything I was trying to forget. That was part of why I was hurting and crying so much afterward. I have a file folder of all chats and email exchanges between me and him. I also have two blog posts: this and this one. Plus the benefit of maturity coupled with sobriety! So I'm not concerned that I'll misquote anyone or anything.

 

And whether he wants to believe it or not, I DID love him. That love was REAL. And I realize now that part of me still loves him – and I know that’s not going to do anything or change anything. It will be there in my heart and I will allow it to remain and go on about my life and doing the stuff that I need to do like I always have.

 

Part of the pain I’m feeling from that dream is my frustration over how the things I wanted to happen with him never ended up happening. I really and truly wanted to be with him and make those things we talked about happen. But .. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. That’s a sadness which I carry still.

 

And all of the stuff that happened with the man I am married to is pretty much what created my whole “fuck love!” philosophy abut love. A novella I will be starting this week is me giving the finger to love!

 

I woke up feeling VERY depressed this morning because of these recent events but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from my plan for today. And what WAS my plan??

 

Well, today is the day I start training to run in a 5K race. My goal for this year is to run in a 5K after I turn 50 in May. So, maybe in June or July. I guess it depends on any 5K races going on then. I reached out to someone I know who trains people to help them achieve their fitness goals and he just might become my trainer for this. I know I need one! I can't train on my own. I already tried and failed once!

 

Well, something happened this morning that gave me the confidence that maybe I am getting stronger.

 

I have been struggling with one of the exercises in my morning workout. I experienced pain when I did it. I still kept trying to do that exercise anyway, because I didn’t want to allow pain to be a barrier. Although it was for a while there. But when I did it again this morning, that pain was gone! It didn’t hurt to do that exercise anymore! YAY!

 

Well, it looks like some other new things are coming my way this year. As of September, I will have a “co-producer” credit for a horror movie. I saw that and thought, “Why not do stuff to make my title in the movie industry ‘producer’?”

 

Yep. I’m going into the movie industry.

 

For a long time, I knew I should be doing SOMETHING new career-wise with my life, but I could never figure out WHAT. I knew it was something big and would require change, but I could never figure it out.

 

Then I got back into working in the book publishing industry as a book marketer.

 

And I thought that was it.

 

But it’s not.

 

It’s like I asked the universe “What am I supposed to be doing?” and the universe answered, “This. Oh, and this.”

 

My youngest sister, Millie, has been trying to get me back to California for some time. I love Oregon, but my heart will always be in California. I have lived in many states, but California has always been my home.

 

I sent Millie a message this morning saying, “It looks like you will be getting your wish after all. Hollywood is calling!”

 

I know that me getting the title of “co-producer” for a movie does not obligate me to make drastic changes in my life or throw myself into working in the movie industry, but I’m not someone to be satisfied with basic accomplishments. Nope; I prefer to go at stuff with everything I’ve got! I have been tiptoeing around the idea of getting into the movie industry in some capacity for a long time. I never could figure out how though. I only knew one thing for certain: I don’t want to be in front of the camera; I’d rather be behind it, in some capacity.

 

And now, certain events taking place in my life have decided what capacity that will be. Woot! I love it when the universe gives me a good kick in the pants saying, “Girl, you need to be doing THIS!”

 

I WILL keep writing books, of course. I WILL keep writing short stories and poems to send out everywhere, too.

 

But now I’m working in the book publishing industry. And soon, I will be working in the movie industry.

 

It’s funny how all of this is happening for Dawn Wilson and not Dawn Colclasure. But Dawn Colclasure will forever remain an author and freelance writer!

 

Dawn Wilson, on the other hand, has something completely different going on!

 

And it just feels like all of this stuff happening for me in my life is happening at the time it is supposed to be happening. I am still otherwise unemployed and have no commitments keeping me here in Oregon. My kids are older and MUCH more independent now. My youngest will be 17 and while they DO have sights on getting into acting, that is yet to be seen. But they are also getting their driver’s license this year and setting up things for themselves in their life. And my oldest is planning to get his own place this summer!

 

So, yeah, I’m pretty much free to do epic shit with my life now.

 

I really can commit to other things now. Now is a good time for those things to happen. And they happened at the time they are supposed to happen, not when I wanted them to happen. The universe knows my timeline better than I do.

 

And I’ve said before that “stuff happens in my life and I pretty much just roll with it” and it’s true. New developments come about in my life and instead of rejecting them or running away from them, I’m all like, “Okay, so I guess this is what I’m doing now.”

 

Yep. This is what I’m doing now!

 

I can plan for things and I can set goals for stuff, but I truly feel that the things that are supposed to happen in our lives will come about at the time they are supposed to. A bunch of other stuff may happen, but the things that are meant to be in our lives will come about when it’s time for them to come about.

 

Well, after my workout at the gym today, I was feeling A LOT better. And good thing, too, because that was when my day really took off!

 

After returning home from the gym, I ate a salad for lunch then I got busy doing stuff. Then I had to take my youngest to a doctor appointment. After that, I went to CVS to fill prescriptions for two of my heart medications, but what had been free last time was not free anymore! I didn’t have any cash on me so I told them I’d be right back then took off to go to the bank to get some cash. (At the beginning of the year, my bank had deactivated my debit card, and I have not yet received the new card.) While at the bank, I got enough cash to also buy a planner – something else I hadn’t yet done before 2023 ended! (I had just gotten a 2024 calendar for the kitchen yesterday.) It had been suggested to me to use my phone calendar or an app for a planner, but my phone calendar is for personal stuff. And I just prefer a paper planner, not an app! I like to be able to look at the WHOLE month and easily turn through pages to check out deadlines. Plus, having a paper planner to look at the whole thing helps me catch forthcoming deadlines easier.

 

I drove back to CVS to get my prescriptions and I also bought a planner.  Here is my new planner:

 

 

Up until then, I’d been keeping track of everything on the computer!

 

 

I will probably keep the computer log for more detailed information for projects that I don’t want publicly shared (because they’re not ready to go public yet!) but the paper one is the one I’ll publicly share. I didn’t use a computer log last year and it was MADDENING trying to find detailed information about certain submissions or WIPs. That info was kept somewhere else and spread out everywhere! This way, I can just run a search for the information related to the submission or the WIP and find it more easily.

 

Next I had to go pick my oldest up from work – and by the time I got out of there, I was already late! I still grabbed food in a drive thru (my dinner!) on my way because I was starving. So I picked up my oldest from work and we went home. Now I’m going to have some coffee and work on that novella I am almost finished writing. And work on the memoir. Plus the poetry book!

 

I may have ended up feeling better later in the day, but what about if this happens again? A friend suggested that I look into Acceptance and Commitment therapy so I’m going to do that and hopefully I can handle it better when I have another one of those dreams!

 

Despite the rough start, today was a great day. The sleepiness didn’t overtake me, the Migraine From Hell is STILL gone, and I didn’t get any headaches!

 

Not yet, anyway…