Is it Selfish to Be So Focused on My Goals?

Recently, I turned down a friend’s invitation for dinner. I would LOVE to meet with my friend for dinner, but, unfortunately, I have deadlines to meet. I am trying to finish writing the June ebook in time to get it out with my monthly newsletter, I am also STILL working on putting together the monthly newsletter, trying to write a new poetry book in time for a publisher with a submission window that closes soon and, oh yes, trying to submit work to markets that have June 30^th deadlines (and there are A LOT!).

 

I didn’t tell my friend all of this, though. I just told her, “I have a lot going on right now.”

 

Thankfully, she understood. (Bless her!) She ended her message with “Happy writing!”

 

I saw that and wondered, “How did she know??” (Well, my friends KNOW me. LOL)

 

But, still. I felt guilty turning down her offer to get together. I promised to do so next week (Goddess willing!!), but even so, I still felt bad.

 

Nobody is pressuring me to meet these deadlines. Nobody has forced me to write these things I am writing. (Well, my muse might have something to say about that!) And I’m sure some people will understand if I don’t get the newsletter out on time.

 

Then again, I would feel bad about that!

 

I feel guilty for turning down offers to get together with my friends and I feel guilty if I’m not doing the things I want and need to do.

 

I try to work around these obligations. Like this morning. I was busy working on the newsletter while chatting with a friend and fellow author who has agreed to share information for the June ebook I am currently writing. Sometimes I got quiet for a long period of time during our chat, only because I was busy with the newsletter, but I let him know that this was why my responses were delayed.

 

Perhaps that is just multitasking in between projects, but it’s just an example of how I try to stay connected with people while I’m jumping between one thing and another.

 

Those things I mentioned are not the only things I have going on. I am currently revising my YA novel, editing a friend’s manuscript, editing and revising one of my own books and writing a folk horror novel. I am also writing other books as well as revising one other one I hope to submit to a publisher by year’s end (it’s a four-book series). I am also working on wrapping up the middle grade paranormal mystery series that my publisher is willing to finish publishing the remaining books for next year. It's a 12-stories and I am on the 8th story.  Oh, and I’m also reviewing books and constantly hunting for new markets to submit work to, in addition to writing new stuff to submit! (Just this morning, for example, I took a break from reading emails to write some poetry. Then I took a break from working on the newsletter to write this blog post!)

 

All of this stuff does keep me busy. Sometimes I’ll be occupied with these things all day (there are many times I have “called it a day” after 10PM). But, at the same time, I have to ask myself: Am I neglecting my friends? I do try to stay in contact with them through Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, but I rarely meet up with them for things. And that makes me feel bad. I don’t want my friends to think that I don’t WANT to hang out with them. I do. I love all my friends and cherish them.

 

It's just hard to find the time to hang out with them!

 

And I feel really guilty about that. I also wonder if it is selfish of me to be so focused on my goals that I am not spending enough time with my friends. (My kids are a different matter. I DO prioritize time with my kids! As it is, however, the youngest prefers to spend more time with their friends than with their mom!)

 

I also have to be careful with how I spend my time, because I get REALLY bad headaches as well as dizzy spells. These can strike at any time. Because I get these things, they can sometimes interrupt the time I have available to work on all of these projects. Because of this, I have to get as much done with certain projects in the time that I CAN work on them, especially if there is a deadline (like with the newsletter).

 

The reason why I wonder if I’m being selfish is because I’m still trying to get to a point with me being an author where I don’t HAVE to work so hard after achieving a level of financial success that I need to get to at this point in time. There IS a reason for it. All this stuff I do as a writer is because I think it will improve my chances of getting an agent, getting noticed and getting my books sold because then by working so hard to get my name everywhere, maybe I will have a better chance. The more places I am published in, the better the chance a potential literary agent would recognize my name when I query them and agree to represent me and hopefully get me a nice deal. That’s my reasoning, anyway. And that’s why I keep wondering if I’m being selfish in working so hard to make that happen and just prioritizing it over time with my friends, because that’s what I’ve been doing, and it does seem selfish.

 

Getting to that point where I finally have an agent who can get a nice deal for me is VERY important to me right now. I need to achieve that kind of goal because someone close to me really could use my help financially and I want to help them so I’m doing all this stuff on a wing and a prayer that I will achieve the kind of financial success as an author that is needed so that I CAN help the person who needs that kind of help. (Sidenote: This person DID set up a GoFundMe to get that kind of help but of course it didn’t work.)

 

If this person didn’t need the money so badly right now, I wouldn’t be trying so hard to get noticed and get an agent so that I could get a nice book deal. I’m not in this author thing for the money; I’m in it because it’s my passion. I have been writing and publishing books that haven’t sold but I write and publish more because it is what I LOVE to do. It’s what I am passionate about.

 

But because that money is needed, I want to at least try my very best to achieve financial success as an author. I mean, this is the one thing I am GOOD at. I have tried doing other things, but they just didn’t work out. The writing, however, is what I CAN do. And I know an agent would help me get the resources I need in order to improve my writing so that my books would finally sell. (Some of my books DO sell here and there, but the numbers are small.)

 

I’m basically willing to try anything so that I can help that person out. I’m not attractive, athletic, young or even gifted with a very unusual talent that could open doors for me. I don’t have a trust fund shelling millions out to me every year. I’m not a successful business owner. I’m just me. And I’m doing what I can to make things happen. I know this means that sometimes, I obsess over it, hyperfixate on it and spend HOURS working on it. But this does not mean those things are more important to me than my friends. My friends ARE important to me, and always will be.

 

Sometimes, though, I just need to go into my cave to work. I will emerge again at some point! I just hope my friends are still there when I do.