Forgive, Forget – But Learn

 Last night, I spent some time reading one of the many books I am reading for this month. One of those books is Don’t Give Up, Don’t Give In by Louis Zamperini. I finished reading this book today. It’s a really good book and very inspirational. So inspirational, in fact, that also last night, I tweeted a few good quotes from the pages I was reading.

 

I first became familiar with Louis Zamperini when I read the book, Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. (I also saw the movie, after reading the book.) Louis’ story of how he survived in a POW camp in Japan is amazing and I was greatly inspired by his story. So of course, I was excited to read this book when I came across it. (I have not read his other book, The Devil at My Heels, but I plan to.) It’s an excellent book and I highly recommend it. And although Louis used his transformation to Christianity in his speaking engagements as a subject during his many talks, you really don’t need to be a Christian to appreciate the messages this book imparts.

 

While there are many quotes in this book which I agree with and value, there was one in particular which I had some misgivings about. When Louis is talking about forgiving others, he says you must act as though the transgression never happened when you are interacting with that person.

 

While I understood what he meant by this – that you should not hold the past against the person nor should you keep bringing it up or shoving it into their face when you talk to them – I felt I could not mentally or emotionally act as though those past transgressions never happened. Because, they happened. They are all a part of my life story and they are all a part of the person who I am today. I don’t believe in erasing things from my past; everything that happened happened. None of it gets erased.

 

And the person who I am today has forgiven ALL of the people who have done me wrong. I have also forgiven myself for all the bad things that I did to people. I love myself and I love everyone – including the people involved in those bad chapters of my past.

 

As an example, I forgave the person who raped me in the past. When I saw that person again, I didn’t bring it up. I was civil with them. I do not hold a grudge against them anymore. Maybe the old me (the drunk) did, but the new (sober) me does not. It’s all water under the bridge.

 

Yes, I have forgiven and forgotten when it comes to other people. But I do not “forget” that it actually happened. I mean, it was an unfortunate incident, but I don’t keep it alive in my present. I just look at it as a bad thing that happened in my past.

 

When it comes to the person involved in a bad thing in my past, I will not hold the past against them. I see them as the person who they are now, and not the person that they were then. That’s all over with and gone.

 

But as far as mentally acting like it never happened? No, I can’t do that. Because, you know it did happen. And the only reason why I must note that I can’t erase things from my past is because all of the bad things from my past make me who I am today. They made me stronger. They taught me how to truly forgive. They made me understand that everyone makes mistakes and those mistakes should not define them. Those mistakes aren’t who they are. They are just mistakes. Also, nobody is perfect. Who among us is perfect??

 

If we learn from our mistakes in the past and understand why we made those mistakes, then that “bad” experience in our past wasn’t so bad after all. You know? It was actually a good thing to happen, because we learned valuable lessons from it and we grew as an individual.  Not only did we learn from the bad things in our past, but we SURVIVED it. That right there is the ultimate prize of getting out of a bad experience alive. Congratulations! You are now a survivor of that particular thing. That’s a pretty good honor.

 

One of my favorite expressions is “When life knocks you down, you have two choices: Stay down or get back up.”

 

Me? I’ll get back up. Every time. I may cry and get depressed about a negative experience. I may go through a period of torment (and my drinking only made that torment worse), and I may be sad about something that happened. I may be sad about what happened as a result of that bad thing or brokenhearted over loss.

 

But after a while, I will wipe those tears away, flush out that anger, move past the regret and find the power to forgive – forgive those involved and myself.

 

And after forgiving, I move on. Nothing good can come from clinging to anything related to that bad experience. Reliving memories, indulging in nightmares, constantly talking about it or keeping it alive in some way – these are all things that can prevent us from moving forward from negative experiences in life. Don’t keep those negative experiences alive. Learn from them and move on from them. Let them go. You learned, you healed, you forgave. You don’t need them anymore.

 

Moving on from a negative experience does not mean you are okay with what happened. There is A LOT of stuff from my past that I am totally NOT okay about them happening. For example, at one of my previous jobs, a coworker retaliated against me. And while I understand WHY they retaliated against me and I HAVE forgiven them and moved on from it, that doesn’t mean I am okay with coworkers retaliating against one another. Forgiveness is about making peace with something from the past, not condoning the thing that happened. Forgiveness does not change my beliefs about a thing; it only helps to unburden myself from the pain and regret and anger over what happened. I still believe that rape is wrong, retaliating against employees is wrong, that making fun of a cultural accent is wrong (guilty), and falling in love with someone through the Internet while MARRIED, despite the prospect of a divorce, is wrong, but they are all just unfortunate things that happened in the past. They are what they are. I am not that person anymore, and that is what gives me the strength to understand that moving on means moving past all of it. I worked out the hard stuff – learning the lessons, getting over the sadness and anger and regret, and forgiving – now it’s time to just live life.

 

That is all we can do: Just live. Continue to live your life in the present, enjoy your life in the present, and welcome new experiences. Never forget the lessons learned from negative experiences, but never allow them to hold you back. Don’t be a prisoner of your past. Instead, be the victor. The survivor. The winner.