Putting Life on Hold

 

One of my favorite quotes is “Don’t let waiting become a habit.” I love this quote because it says a lot about just how much people value your time.

 

I have always been tapped into things that I need to do RIGHT NOW. Even when I was in school, if I felt I needed to do a particular thing in this point in time, then I did it. I didn’t think, “Gee, maybe I should wait until I am older.” I just did it! There was one time I applied for a correspondence writing course. They turned me down because I was too young (I was 16 at the time). They encouraged me to go out into the world and get some life experience first, then come back to reapply. (Which I did and … didn’t.)

 

It’s just that if I feel compelled to do something RIGHT NOW, then I do it!

 

Sometimes, though, there have been people in my life who I NEEDED to do things with, but they weren’t all that decisive about whether they wanted to go through with it – either with me, personally, or at that particular point in their life at that time. No biggie! I either found someone else who said “yes, let’s do it now!” or I decided to do it by myself.

 

However, if I feel REALLY compelled to do something, then I won’t wait around for someone else to get on board. I will usually tackle something by myself and just learn what I need to know as I go.

 

This habit has actually served me well in life. I have often found that if I acted on an idea to do something, there was a benefit later on because an opportunity arose where I could go to the next level or because the skills/lessons learned served a later opportunity.

 

If I have made up my mind to do something, I will do it, even if I have to do it alone. I got to the point where I often said, “I put my life on hold for no one!” Life doesn’t wait for people to show up. Life doesn’t make accommodations for people who are going to just shuffle their feet and struggle to decide if they really want to do something or not. Life continues to move forward and the people who say “yes” and actually DO things are those who get to move forward right along with it!

 

There was a time I was WAITING for someone to decide whether or not they wanted to do something with me, and I wasted all those seven months WAITING for them to even show up! (Which was really dumb. I should have gotten the message sooner that they were no longer interested, especially since I never got an email or anything from them.) I learned that it is better to pay close attention to people’s ACTIONS instead of their WORDS. I also learned that I need to take notice a lot SOONER if they are even showing any interest or not.

 

In that time of my life, yes, I DID put my life on hold for that person. But I had to realize that things were NOT going to move forward the way that I had hoped. All that time passed by and nothing happened. I learned that I should not put my life on hold for people.

 

But now that has changed. These days, I have put my life on hold for someone else: My oldest.

 

I am unable to work a regular job. That’s the way things are for me right now. It has to be this way in order for my oldest to be able to go to school. However, I recently learned that I am allowed to work gigs, so I work gigs. The occasional job that comes around. But an actual job? Nope. Out of the picture for now.

 

At first, I was distressed by this. I have seen just how beneficial it is when BOTH parents are working. We have had so many financial problems that we have struggled a lot in my kids’ lifetime. When I worked as a freelance writer in the past, I hardly made any money from it, but I kept at it for years wishing and hoping I would FINALLY get to a point where I could earn a living from it. (Sadly, that has YET to happen!) The only dependent writing gig I had was when I was writing for SIGNews. Also, my books were not selling. So, yeah, we had it hard for a LONG time. Then I got a job OUTSIDE of the home and things got better.

 

Then I lost that job. And then I lost the other job after that.

 

Losing the second job happened around the time we had to make that kind of change, with me not working. So we had a family meeting and it was agreed that I would just lay low for now.

 

At first, I felt REALLY bad. I hated that my husband had to be the sole breadwinner in the family. He had to support me AGAIN. But I always keep in mind one thing: I am doing this so that my oldest can go to school. I am doing this for my son.

 

And, you know, as a mom, I am willing to make that sacrifice. I am willing to put my life on hold for him.

 

At least I am working gigs. That is still something.

 

And this is not a permanent decision. I can go back to work after he graduates from university. I can do better financially after he’s done with school. I can eventually go after all the stuff that I want to go after.

 

Meanwhile, I have to lay low. But I am putting this time to good use.

 

I am working the gigs, for one. And I am writing books. I am planning to take online courses (I tried taking one already but it wasn’t right for me). I am helping other people out when I can. And, yeah, working the occasional gig.

 

Oh, and I am reading a lot too. Heh.

 

One thing I am also doing is trying to stabilize all the health issues that have popped up. I was recently diagnosed with yet another medical condition. In addition to this, I have headaches and dizziness which happen almost daily, and I have occasional chest pains. I am prone to panic attacks, struggle with depression, and I have anxiety.

 

These medical problems have ALL made situations at work difficult at some point or another. (I once had a HUGE panic attack while driving an individual during the time I worked as a DSP!) Because of these medical issues, I often wonder if I even CAN go back to work. I’d like to think that, despite these problems, there is still SOME kind of job that I can do. (These particular issues are the reasons why I feel I could never again work as a DSP.) Maybe a job counselor could help me figure out how I can still work the kind of job I want without the health issues being a problem. That, or I hope I have a VERY understanding boss who won’t fire me if I have to call out yet again.

 

But, yes, I am trying to settle all of these medical issues during this time. I’m trying to find a way to get them to STOP interfering with my ability to do things in life. I have had to cancel so many plans because of chest pain, headaches or dizziness. It’s been frustrating. But I hope to find a way to stop that from happening.

 

So, it seems like I am also putting my life on hold for these medical issues as well. I keep thinking that if I am ever asked to explain a gap in my resumé, I could just say I had medical issues. (Would that mark me as a liability?) This, too, is frustrating, but it’s just something that I have to get through right now. Unlike the OTHER thing I am sacrificing for, though, I wish THIS one wasn’t happening. I DON’T want to have to constantly cancel or stop doing things because headaches, chest pain or dizziness keep knocking me off my feet. I don’t like doing that and I don’t want to have to do that! But that’s just how life is right now. I have accepted these things as a part of life.

 

There is no way to control the causes of these things happening. They can happen at any time. There is nothing that brings them on; they just happen! But I wish I had a better understanding of WHY they happen. Why do I get the headaches and the dizziness? I have tried so many remedies but so far, nothing works to stop them. I tried asking my doctor to run tests, but at this point, my doctor is just content to prescribe medication to stop them. Obviously, it doesn’t work. I have once again reached out to her to see if something can be done.

 

At some point, though, I hope they will be a thing of the past. Just as my putting life on hold for my oldest will eventually come to an end, I hope these health issues will come to an end too.