What Are We Supposed to Focus On, Again?

 

 

 

For a long time, I have lived by a mantra: Focus only on the present. In fact, I once drew a picture called “Eyes Forward” in which a drawing of a woman representing myself was looking straight ahead while monsters of the past were at her back.

 

And that’s what my own past is: A monster. A beast I must fight on the daily. It’s not enough that I have to fight the monster tempting me to drink again, I also have to fight the monsters of my past hoping to lure me back into their clutches. That is part of the reason why I drank for so long and why it got so bad. I couldn’t escape the bad memories from my past. I actually lived in the past instead of focusing on the present. I even had nightmares about the past.

 

But to combat this from happening again, I make it a point to focus on the present. This is why I don’t like to talk about the past. Sure, I’m writing about the past in my memoirs, and that’s not easy because of the bad things from my past. But for the most part, I focus on the present. This is NOT easy. I even wrote about how it is a struggle to focus on the present in a book I am writing. (I don’t remember what solutions I offered in THAT chapter!) This is one of the reasons why I stick to a schedule, because as long as I am staying busy with something, I am focused on the task I have at hand. There’s no room for dwelling on the past! And no time, either.

 

But I have been sick recently (got a cold), and I wasn’t on my schedule. And despite the head congestion and body aches, my brain decided yesterday that it was a good time to take a stroll down memory lane. All day yesterday, flashes of things from my past kept hitting me. I kept pushing those memories away, because they made me feel bad. It wasn’t just the bad stuff, though; it was also the things in my past that made me sad. The heartbreak, the losses, the unfairness of so many things that happened. Some hard lessons I had to learn.

 

Unfortunately, that followed me into bed last night. After I’d gone to bed, feeling too achey to stay awake and hoping sleep would bring me the relief I needed, it all started up again.

 

I have a hard time falling asleep at night. My body may be tired, but my mind is WIDE AWAKE. I constantly have thoughts, ideas, memories and impossible scenarios racing through my mind when I try to settle down at night to go to sleep. It is hard to focus on trying to fall asleep. Sometimes, I just want to scream, “Shut up, brain! I’m trying to sleep!” I do some things to help me slow down my thoughts and focus on falling asleep. I repeat a mantra to myself or I play songs in my head (songs I heard before I became deaf). When I was able to hear, I played music by my bed to help me fall asleep. (A favorite was “I Can’t Stop Loving You” by Michael Jackson.) That’s not an option anymore, so I play songs in my head. This helps a lot to get me to fall asleep.

 

But last night, neither of those things worked. The memories from my past were merciless. One painful memory from my past had me in tears.

 

By then, I decided I was going to have to try something else. On some nights, when I can’t sleep, I give up trying after a while and just get out of bed and do other things. Usually, I get comfy on the couch to read.

 

But last night? I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of hot chocolate. I lit one of my favorite scented candles and grabbed the novel that I am currently reading. I settled down at the table, enjoying the pleasant scent from the candle and the taste of the hot chocolate (hoping the warm milk in it will help me to get sleepy!) and I started to read.

 

This actually helped a lot. I got out of my head and into something that was going on OUTSIDE of me. Something I was doing to focus on instead. Eventually, the memories from my past no longer bothered me. I got so caught up in the novel I was reading, I forgot what it was that even bothered me at all! What made the whole thing better was our cat, Smokey, appearing at the table and giving lots of cuddles. At one point, his tail accidentally hit my face when he turned around! It was like, WHAP! It made me laugh and the laughter added to my improved mood.

 

So I eventually went back to bed, sometime after midnight. (I had to get up in the morning to take my kids to work and school!) As I got into bed, I told myself to focus only on the present. No more thinking about the past!

 

Well, that didn’t work out very well, either, because the present isn’t too good right about now! I was in tears again because I was thinking about my friend, who had recently died. The reality of never being able to talk to her again really hit hard! And the whole time she was battling that sickness that took her life, I missed our frequent chats. We would randomly message each ither about some thing or another, and get to talking for a long time. I missed her. And I was sad she was gone. I wasn’t ever going to see any new posts from her on Facebook ever again and I wasn’t going to enjoy her comments about some new thing her grandson did. Yeah, it made me pretty sad.

 

Then I realized what was happening: I was getting upset over my thoughts all over again! Was I ever going to be able to get any sleep??

 

Not that my grief was uncalled for. It was just a bad time. I have been grieving this loss, but for it to keep me awake was going to be a problem. I had to remember to observe my grief over this loss in a healthy way.

 

So, thinking about the present didn’t help too much. The present…just sucks. It’s not too great right now!

 

So, what to focus on instead? The future? The bizarreness of that thought made me laugh. I don’t think it’s a good idea to focus on the future. I mean, sure, we can PLAN for the future, but not focus on it. Don’t put too much attention on it. The future isn’t written yet. We don’t really know what’s going to happen in the future. The future is too uncertain! Why focus on something that we can’t really predict? We can HOPE for some things to happen, but there’s the possibility that they might not happen. In my future, I wanted to be a bestselling novelist. That didn’t happen with the three novels I had published, and that disappointment was devastating. That, too, added to my drinking problem. So, I don’t like to think about things like that. Maybe it will still happen one day? Who knows. But I really can’t set my hopes on it or have my heart set on it. I wanted OTHER things to happen in my future, but they didn’t happen either! And that hurt too. I can’t really get myself to put too much hope onto a future that might not happen. Probably won’t happen. So, focusing on the future instead of the past or present is out.

 

Then I started thinking about something else instead, after I finished having my cry. I thought about something funny that happened that day, and it made me laugh. Then I thought about something REALLY good that happened that day, too, and it brought a smile to my face. My mood suddenly became lighter. Apparently, thinking about good things from my day was the way to go. I eventually did fall asleep, and I had a good dream too.

 

So I guess thinking about the good things from my day, and focusing on those things anytime thoughts from the past come knocking on my door, is the best strategy to use.

 

This reminded me of when I was working as a DSP and how the death of an individual we supported was a huge wake-up call. He was immunocompromised, so when he became terribly ill, he eventually passed away. His death made me realize, you know, these people we are supporting don’t exactly have long lifespans. Their life could end at any time. And with that, any chance we had to tell them something or to give them a happy experience or a really great day, because it might be their LAST day, is the only thing that we had control over. All we could do was make sure that they have a great day. We don’t know how many days they have left, so it’s up to us, as their care providers, to give them as many good days and as many happy memories as we can in the days they have left.

 

This made me think of how that should apply to all of us, too, because now I was relying on those good things from my day to help me get away from the pain other thoughts caused. This applies to all of us. Try to make your day a good day. Try to make your day your best day, because it might be your last day. Try to bring good things into your day. Happy things. Positive things. If you are the only person who can bring joy into your day, do it. Do something you are passionate about. Do something that makes you happy, that makes you laugh and that makes you feel good about yourself.

 

Because at the end of the day, you just may need those thoughts, and those memories, to help you peacefully exit that particular day. You might need those good memories from your day to say goodbye to that day, and have hope for the next one.