When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Bail?

 

I once wrote articles for a newspaper called SIGNews, which was published for the Deaf/HOH community. I wrote under the name of Dawn Colclasure. After a few years, they changed things up at the paper, which included changing staff. These changes were a little disruptive and created some problems in the flow of work for the writers. Not only this, but there was also the problem of paying the staff writers for their work. At one point, I got so frustrated with all of the delays that I sent an unpleasant email to my editor. She did not respond in kind; in fact, she blew up at me. I was lucky she didn’t let me go! All the same, I decided to take a break. I just figured that they needed space to get their shit together and so I went on hiatus and just focused on writing books. After I started writing for the paper again, however, the editor did not forget that little tiff we had, and I forever remained on her shit list. I didn’t get a very nice mention in the very last issue of the paper like everybody else did when they eventually shut down for good.

 

I think about that a lot when it comes to other situations in which I feel the need to either step away for a bit or just walk away for good. I don’t like it when people give up on me (and a lot of people have!), so I have been hesitant inflicting that on others. For this reason, I just ask myself if it is better to even keep this person in my life. A lot of people have told me many times just how healthy it is to cut people off or put a temporary block against them, but I don’t think that is a good idea. I know the reasoning behind this is because it’s a way to protect your peace and guard against being hurt, but I’ve said many times that I’m a big girl and I can look out for myself. I don’t allow people to brainwash me or manipulate me. Many people have used me in the past, taken me for granted, and played their games. I’m more careful in how I relate to people these days because I have learned the lessons those experiences taught me. And the days of being someone’s doormat are long gone!

 

But I gotta say that my experience working as a Direct Support Professional changed the way I saw this particular issue. These days, it’s not a matter of whether or not I should walk away for a brief time or on a permanent basis. It’s more of a matter of sticking with people through the good and bad, no matter what happens, because I want them in my life or I value my relationship with them. After having dealt with some of the more darker sides of a lot of people, and staying in situations where there was even violence, I have learned that it’s better to try to help people out of their turmoil and be the guide through the darkness rather than saying “I just can’t with you anymore” and cutting them off. My new attitude towards loving everyone – even those who are unloved, difficult, dangerous and who do not feel that love for me in return – has been the constant reminder not to cut people off. I don’t cut people off anymore. I stay with them til the end. I’m in it for the long haul!

 

Even as I feel this way, though, I understand that sticking with someone who is violent or dangerous to be around can have some unfortunate results. When I was supporting an individual who was violent towards me on many occasions, no matter what I and my supervisor tried to do to fix it (I went through several trainings!), I eventually transferred and barred from being around that individual. This was the right decision that was made. In a situation where a person is constantly violent, abusive or dangerous to another person, then no matter what feelings are involved, the best thing to do is step away. I later saw this individual from a distance and we both smiled at each other as we waved in greeting, but I never again got close enough for them to be aggressive towards me. And I think that’s an important point to consider. Even as we step away from someone who is violent, aggressive or dangerous, don’t close the door on communicating with them at all. This way, there won’t be any resentment, anger or grudges between the two people involved.

 

I also feel that it is important to allow someone to cut off a connection if they want to. A friend I had for years ended our friendship, even though I felt that the misunderstanding we had that got her so angry could have been resolved without throwing years of friendship away. But I had to allow this to happen. I had to allow her to end things with me. There are just some things we have no control over. If a person doesn’t want me around, doesn’t want a connection and doesn’t want to communicate, then I should respect this. If someone wants to cut me off, I will allow it. I don’t fight for a place at the table. I have had a lot of people walk out of my life and cut connections with me; I’m not going to fight for someone to stay. If they want to leave, they can leave.

 

But I won’t be the one to leave. Yes, I will take steps to protect myself if someone is violent, aggressive or harassing me. I won’t take that kind of treatment from anyone. But in the event that I feel safe in keeping them in my life, especially in a way I can guard myself from anything negative that they might do, then I won’t bail on them. My work experience taught me that people just have a really hard time sometimes and can get swept up into their own chaos. When this happens, they lose control. They give in to irrational thinking, overwhelming emotions, fearful responses and anxieties. This is a tough situation they are in but it won’t last forever. Sometimes, people just have a really hard time and lose themselves in that chaos. That doesn’t mean we should abandon them or give up on them or bail on them. It only means that we should give them space and be there as a source of help and support when they need it. Because most folks who get swept up into those storms DEFINITELY will need that help and support at the end.

 

So, I’m not the kind of person to quit on people. Not anymore, anyway. I may have done that in the past, but I am not the same person I was in the past, I have learned the value of sticking around no matter what. I have learned the value of being patient with others just as other people have been patient with me. I have learned the skills of working with someone who is escalating and lost in their own storms. I have experienced the relief and comfort in knowing that no matter what happens and no matter how bad things get, I can count on someone being there in the end. I can count on having at least one person in my corner. A person who has stuck with me at my worst and who supports me at my best. I also appreciate and love the friends and family in my life who have not given up on me. I won’t give up on them either!

 

There is nothing more comforting than having someone in your life who says “I’m here for you” and actually proves it. It really does help a lot knowing that there is at least one person in the world who will stick around no matter what, through the good and bad. We all go through hard times. We are also all growing, learning, and changing. Not everyone is at the same level of life as everyone else. And having that ally in our corner, someone who will guide us and help us through the rough patches in life, can make everything so much easier to deal with, and survive.