An Important Lesson in Forgiveness

 

I recently finished reading the novel, The Shack by William P. Young. While I am aware that this book has had a profound impact on the Christian community, this story affected me in a different way. I am no longer a Christian; I decided I was done with religion after years of seeing so-called “Christians” judging others, hating on others, refusing to accept others and, contrary to what Jesus taught, not loving others because they were different. I saw way too much backlash, hate and bullying taking place against people in the LGBTQ+ community, as well as against Wiccans, witches, and other faiths. There was one particular person I knew who refused to stop people from bullying another person who was gay, simply because that person was gay and it went against her beliefs. I was horrified. Her refusal to do anything to stop the bullying meant she was okay with that person being bullied.

 

This was the face of Christianity that so-called Christians showed to me. So, yeah, I decided I was done with religion. Not just Christianity, but ALL religion period. I did not want to be a part of something that hates, judges, condemns or kills other people for being different. I mean, God is about love, right? That’s not love.

 

Anyway! So, yeah, I read this book. It was a good book. As a parent, I was in tears as Mack struggled to come to terms with losing his little girl at the hands of a murderer. But it’s when the character Papa (God) was talking about forgiveness that really made me take note.

 

Forgiveness is definitely something I have struggled with for years. I have had some pretty bad things happen to me in the past, so I was angry at those people who did those things and I could not forgive them.

 

There are a lot of things being said about forgiveness. For one thing, we are told that forgiving someone is not for the person who wronged us, but for us. By forgiving them, we can move on. We can heal. For another thing, we are told that by not forgiving someone, we will only continue to allow what was done to us to hurt us.

 

For a long time, that is what I struggled with. My pain from my past contributed to my developing into an alcoholic. I grew up in an abusive home and I was also sexually assaulted as a child (as well as later as a teenager, by someone else). I was molested and, in my late teen years, raped by someone I trusted. I was angry at all of these people who did these things to me. I was angry at my alcoholic father for years of abuse. I was angry at the person who did things to me that a sibling should NOT. I was angry at the other person who stole my virginity.

 

These were very hard things to forgive. I tried really hard to forgive all of them, but I could not. There was too much anger.

 

Then, after my father died, and I was saying goodbye to him as he lie in the casket, I said something to him I never thought I would say: “I forgive you.”

 

After I said those words, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. Suddenly, all the pain he had caused me was gone. The slate was wiped clean. None of those memories of the abuse had any kind of affect on me anymore.

 

I was able to forgive my father that day, but there were still other people I had not been able to forgive.

 

But when I read that portion about forgiveness in The Shack, it was as though it was speaking to me. It was basically saying that it was okay to be angry about things that happen, but it’s so important to forgive others that have done us wrong, because as long as we don’t forgive them, we are holding on to the thing they did to us. We are keeping that torment within us. Forgiveness does not mean we are okay with what was done to us or that we condone it; it’s about letting go of what was done to us. It’s about freeing ourselves from that terrible thing.

 

As I read that, it made sense. When I had forgiven my father, I no longer dwelt on memories of the abuse. Any time those memories came back to me, I would fight back with the most powerful weapon I had: My forgiveness of him. I had already forgiven my father for all those things. They no longer had any power over me. They no longer caused me pain. They were gone. Over with. DEAD. The slate was wiped clean, and that meant the memories of abuse were erased forever.

 

And I was not going to allow ANYONE to drag me back into that, either. Even though some of my siblings had not yet forgiven our dad for what he did, I had forgiven him. I was already over all of that. And I was moving on. I was NOT going to step backwards and be swept up into all of that again.

 

Forgiving my father had freed me of that kind of torment.

 

So as I thought more about that, and what I read in that book, I realized that forgiving others is the most wonderful thing we can do for ourselves. It is so important to forgive. Forgiveness is not about the other person; as it said in the book, forgiveness is not about a relationship with the other person. It’s about freeing ourselves from the pain that person caused and letting go of the torment those memories cause. It is the first step we take in healing from that pain. Forgiveness really is a selfish act; it is something we do for ourselves and not for the other person. As far as the other person is concerned, if they want to make things right with us, they have that option. But for us, we need to take the step to forgive and let go of that pain.

 

I even went one step further with this realization. I decided to do something physically as a means of actually forgiving people. I brought up each thing that had caused me pain – something from my past – and I said aloud “I forgive (person’s name}” then I visualized that pain being pulled out from my heart and drifting away. It was gone now. I did this with every single person. And after I did that, I really felt a lot better. I smiled and felt lighter. I forgave everyone – and that means that pain they caused no longer existed. It’s gone. We now have a clean slate. Some of these people are no longer in my life or I don’t communicate with them anymore. However, should they choose to have a connection with me or some kind of relationship with me, then I will worry about that in its on time. For now, I have forgiven them for what they did. It doesn’t matter why they did things. It doesn’t matter how things came about the way they did. I have forgiven them. No matter what the reasons were, no matter why they chose to do those things, it’s not an issue anymore. I have forgiven them.

 

And I also have forgiven myself, too. One thing I have learned during my recovery from alcoholism is the importance of forgiving ourselves from past mistakes. Yes, we seek forgiveness from others, but we need to forgive ourselves, too.

 

I forgive myself for not knowing better. I forgive myself for not knowing then what I know now. I forgive myself for not being strong enough to stand up to my abusers. I forgive myself for the stupid things I did while I was an alcoholic. I forgive myself for certain things I did because I was influenced by people who were not really good people. I forgive myself for the mistakes I made because of the wrong choices. I forgive myself for the things I did that I thought was the right thing to do at the time because I did not have any guidance, support or feedback from anyone and I had to make those choices myself. I forgive myself for not understanding the power of forgiveness and holding on to all that anger and hate and resentment for all those years because I didn’t realize that I alone had the power to let all of that go just by forgiving people.

 

And I forgive myself for not knowing what forgiveness was all about until now. I do know now what forgiveness is and how it can help us to heal. And knowing this has helped me to forgive.

 

I have forgiven all. I have let it all go. All that bad stuff from the past is gone and over with. It no longer has any power over me. It no longer creates any pain. I am free of it now and free to move forward.

 

And I will move forward into the new year, with a lighter step and happier heart.