Four Years Sober

 

This morning, I woke up with a big smile on my face. The first thing I said was, “I made it to four years.” And despite being too excited to sleep last night, going to bed later than usual, I still managed to wake up at the new time per my new schedule. Actually, earlier than my new time, but like many instances in which I wake up earlier than when it is time to get out of bed, I lied there for a while, thinking about my day ahead.

 

And specifically, what this day was.

 

Today is four years that I have been sober. It was four years ago that I woke up in a hospital room after spending most of the night fighting off alcohol-induced pancreatitis. That day – October 12, 2017 – was Day One. Little did I know that I was at the beginning of a long journey in which I would no longer be drinking. Up until then, I had tried to kick the drinking habit twice, without success. This time, I had vowed, I was going to give up drinking for good. And so far, four years later, I have been successful.

 

Yes, I was definitely excited about this day coming up. It’s always a big deal for me. Some recovering alcoholics I have crossed paths with don’t see their soberversary as a big deal, but it’s definitely a big deal for me. Every year that I can say that I am still sober is a big deal. Every year that I make it through without relapsing and being completely alcohol-free is definitely a reason to celebrate. My drinking problem destroyed my life, destroyed my relationships with people and nearly took my life. My father’s death was ruled as a result of a heart attack, but on the night that he had his fatal heart attack, he was drinking. I blame the alcohol for taking his life. And when I was in that hospital room, I made a promise to myself that it would not take mine.

 

So, what has changed since my last soberversary?

 

For one thing, I am definitely stronger in resisting the urge to drink again. Of course, that urge is there every day. I’m convinced it’s never going to go away. But it’s not as strong as it used to be. I have found healthier ways to cope with anxiety, stress, depression, anger and sadness. These were things I had to learn at the beginning of my recovery and things I had to keep my focus on ever since then. I used to turn to food (specifically, ice cream), but I stopped that as I got stronger. I have since learned to use journaling, meditation, discussion and nature therapy as coping tools. It’s so important to have someone in your corner during those tough times and I am grateful that my husband and kids have been there to talk to. (I never went to AA, so I don’t have a sponsor. However, I did AA online for a while there, and it did help a lot too.)

 

For another thing, I have a stronger focus on the new lifestyle I created for myself. I knew that if I was going to be successful at staying sober, I had to change everything. I had to change my mindset, my routines, my habits, the people I associated with (and that’s part of honoring boundaries) and my goals in life. Before, my goals were pretty much to drink, write and watch TV. These days, I write, exercise, read, work on vocational goals as well as personal goals, and spend a lot of my time working on self-improvement. Every day is a chance to be better, to do better, so that is what I keep my focus on. The new lifestyle and the new me.

 

Another thing that has changed is that I am definitely learning the importance of picking my battles. I have to be careful not to get caught up in drama or to get too emotionally involved in things going on around me, because that was one of the reasons why I was drinking so much. I can’t allow that to happen anymore. I was drinking because a friend lost their job, someone committed suicide, someone was mean on social media or because I got a rejection AGAIN. I can’t allow myself to be too affected by things like that. I have to be selective about what kinds of things I will get involved in and what kinds of things I allow to have an effect on me, and even then, I have to make sure I don’t get too emotional or distraught over them. I don’t dwell on the past, I don’t grovel over saying something wrong and I don’t overthink stuff as much as I used to. If something happens, I deal with it, but I don’t allow it to be a crisis. I don’t turn it into a pity-me party or make a big drama about it. I let a lot of things go and remove anything that causes me pain. I accept the things that I cannot control and I understand that some things are just out of my hands. Some things and some people are just not meant to be a part of my life and I have learned to accept this, too.

 

And, yeah, it’s like that Serenity Prayer:

 

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,

Courage to change the things that I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.”

 

I may not be a religious person anymore, but I am grateful for the wisdom to know the difference.

 

I must do everything that I can to protect my sobriety. Part of that is not allowing the things that drove me to drink to drive me to drink again. It also means that I can’t allow people who put me down, treat me unkindly or who do not support my sobriety into my circle. I may know of some people who do not support my sobriety, but I don’t hang out with them and I am not close to them. I won’t allow them to hurt me or tear me down.

 

One thing that did drive me to drink was a strong sense of self-loathing. I really did hate myself. I hated myself for being a failure, for not being smart, for not being beautiful, for not being talented enough to achieve financial success, for the mistakes that I made, for the things that I did and for not being good to the people who I should have been good to. I also hated life and that there were so many people I loved who had passed away.

 

But all of that self-loathing was just a vicious cycle. I hated myself so I drank and I kept hating myself even more. And I drank some more.

 

But I don’t hate myself anymore. Those days are over. These days, I love myself. I love the person that I am now and the person that I am becoming. And because I love myself, I don’t want something as self-destructive as alcohol addiction to be in my life. I want to actually take care of myself. Part of that includes not drinking.

 

I have learned to love myself and it’s a beautiful thing. I now understand all those messages out there about how you can’t love other people until you love yourself first. So, yes, I love myself, flaws and all, burn scars and all. This is why other peoples’ poor opinions about me or my appearance don’t bother me anymore. Yes, it happens, but I don’t care. I don’t need anyone’s approval to exist. I don’t need anyone’s validation. I am going to do what I want to do with my life. I don’t care if people have a poor opinion about what I choose to do with my life or believe that I should be doing something else. It’s not their life, it’s mine. And I’m going to get out there and do things even if people really don’t like seeing my face or don’t want me around because they only prefer to have beautiful people around. I never let my deafness stand in my way of doing things and I certainly won’t let my burn scars stand in my way of doing things. I don’t need the whole world to accept my appearance and be okay with my burn scars. I accept them. I am not ashamed of them. I am not ashamed of me. My burn scars are proof of something that tried to destroy me but failed. I know I’m not perfect, I know I’m not a saint, but I love myself and I accept myself.

 

Of course, I still deal with regret. I was not a good person when I was drinking. I know that the best way to forgive myself for the things I did in the past is to learn from my mistakes and make sure I never do them again, but a lot of those mistakes hurt a lot of people and caused a lot of damage. Even in my first days of sobriety, when I was still growing and learning, I made some mistakes. And it’s even harder when I can’t apologize to the people affected because they pretty much severed ties with me because of those mistakes. I can’t have that kind of closure. So, the regret lingers. I can only hope those people understand that I am truly sorry for what I did and that I hope to one day make things right. And even if I can’t make things right, the least I can do is make sure I don’t make those mistakes again.

 

One thing I am very happy about compared to last year is that I am officially writing again. This time last year, I had returned to writing – writing a new book, actually – but I wasn’t sure if the writing was here to stay. I had tried to write again, in bits and pieces here and there, but it never really “stuck.” The most writing I had done were reports at work. For some reason, those were easy to write. I guess that’s what contributed to me being able to write nonfiction again (that’s what the new book was); writing so many reports on a long-term basis. Now I know for a fact that the writing is definitely going to stick. That I am writing again for good. I got into the habit of writing every day when I started doing the Miracle Morning routine and I have been writing on the daily since then – something else I am happy about too.

 

I’d like to think that this time, my writing is better. Now that I am thinking more clearly, that my judgment isn’t muddled by alcohol, that I am not writing anything while recovering from a hangover and that I am not drinking as I write, perhaps my writing has improved. I sure hope so. I am getting good feedback on that nonfiction book I wrote (which is scheduled for submission in January), so maybe that’s a sign that sobriety has made me a better writer.

 

Well, that will be put to the test soon enough, So I conquered the book-writing hurdle. Now I want to conquer the freelance writing hurdle. I want to return to freelance writing, something I engaged in for years in the past, during my drinking days. I never really achieved the kind of success that I wanted as a freelance writer. So I want to give that another try. The problem is, I can’t remember how to DO freelance writing! You would think that something that I did for years would stick. That going back to it would be like riding a bicycle. Unfortunately, that’s not how it is for me and freelance writing. It’s as though my memory of everything related to freelance writing has been wiped clean. It’s strange, but true.

 

Before trying to tackle that hurdle, though, I wanted to flex my article-writing muscles. I wanted to see if I was actually able to write articles again. I was now blogging more often (and a daily blogging challenge certainly helped that!) but I wasn’t sure if I could “crack it” writing an article. I decided to test the waters by posting articles on Medium. Thankfully, I received good feedback on some of those articles. That gives me hope that maybe I can write articles again. From there, I hope to move along this reintroduction to freelance writing and see where I can go from here. When I was a freelance writer, I wrote a ton of how-to articles on the craft. I just might use those to help me figure out that business.

 

So, four years later, I am definitely in a better place now. I have my goals figured out, my lifestyle figured out, and I have definitely grown stronger. I am definitely a better person than I was one year ago, and most definitely a better person than I was four years ago. There is another quote that I have been living by:

 

“I am in competition with no one. 

I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone. 

I am simply trying to be better than the person I was yesterday.”

 

These are very true words for me. Anyone who has thought that my new life meant that I was now judging them or thinking I was better than them is wrong. I do not think I am better than anyone. And celebrating four years of being sober does not have me thinking I am better than anyone, either. I don’t know all that there is to know about sobriety! I only know the things that I have learned so far.

 

And one other thing I have learned is that sobriety is a process. It can’t happen overnight. It’s a long journey and we keep learning and growing as we move along through this journey.

 

I will keep growing and learning. I am happy with where I am now but I know I can be even better. Physically, I am not yet where I want to be, but I will keep working on that. I still want to run in a race, get better at yoga, get better at Tae Kwon Do, and do the recreational stuff more often. Those are my goals that I want to have achieved by the time Year 5 rolls around. I will keep working on getting there. I will also keep working on learning new things, new skills, and keep developing healthy and positive habits that will keep me on the path of sober living.

 

For now, I can only take life one day at a time.