What are people really agreeing to when they agree to help?

There’s a common quote in circulation on social media that goes something like this: “If you help someone and expect something in return, you are not helping them. You are doing business.” I have been thinking about this quote an awful lot lately.

 

I have this friend I have been communicating with through emails for over a decade. We often shoot emails back and forth about work, book stuff and also the yearly “happy birthday” note. This person has helped me out a time or two by answering questions related to his work and even suggesting things that would help me as an author. Recently, however, I stopped hearing from him. I sent him a couple of emails and both of them went unanswered. I started to wonder if he was okay because, at first, his silence occurred during a time that a hurricane struck his area. I was worried something might have happened. But then I eventually received his newsletter and everything seemed to be okay on his end. But, still, my emails went unanswered. Was there a chance he missed them? I then started to wonder if he was no longer communicating with me because I didn’t respond to his request for reviewers of his new book. This person knows that I have reviewed books in the past, but he doesn’t know what it was that made me stop reviewing books for a while.

 

And why did I stop? Well, there was one author I knew through one of my publishers. I refer to such authors as a “fellow author.” I agreed to review her book but, unfortunately, it was not a positive review. I guess it’s a bad thing that I am so honest about my opinions because this shows in my reviews of books. I give my HONEST opinion. I write exactly how I feel about a book. And, unfortunately, my review of her book was less than favorable. Several months later, I learned that this author had committed suicide. In addition to my shock over this news, I felt extremely guilty for writing a poor review of her book. I felt really bad about that review. I kept thinking that maybe my one bad review about her book was one of the things that had pushed her over the edge.

 

Because of this, I just couldn’t bring myself to review books anymore. I mean, not like how I used to. I was still reading books, but could not write a thorough review about it. I’d just give it my star rating and say something like “Good book!” or “I enjoyed reading this.” If I didn’t like the book, I didn’t say anything at all.

 

But as far as books by people that I didn’t know? No. I couldn’t do it. Not for a long time, anyway. I recently reviewed the book by a fellow author and, despite two issues that kept bugging me about it, I gave it a glowing review. I didn’t see this as me being fake, though; I saw this as me looking past what it was that bothered me about it. I just paid attention to the author’s originality, creativity, character development and overall story. THAT was the good stuff, and that’s why I gave it five stars.

 

And I have been thinking, you know, maybe I CAN go back to reviewing books by authors I know. And if I don’t like a book, I won’t review it. There was another book I read by a fellow author that had something in it that I didn’t like, so I quietly returned the book and didn’t review it. (The author was not informed I was reading it, so I wasn’t under obligation to review it!)

 

And now I really wonder if my friend has ceased communication with me over this. Was he EXPECTING me to volunteer to review his book? Well, if so, then that is just really uncool of him. No one should put that obligation on somebody they know. I don’t want my friendships with people to be under the condition that I am obligated to do them favors. I should have the right to not agree to something if I don’t want to agree to it. I should be allowed to say "no" without repercussions.

 

Which brings me to the OTHER thing that has been bothering me for some time.

 

I had a coworker at an old job who agreed to cover my shift on a day that I had to go in for a biopsy, to be tested for breast cancer. (My doctor found something on a mammogram and ordered the biopsy.) I was relieved because this was really important to me and she was the only one who agreed to cover for me. Then, later on, I covered for another coworker. Unfortunately, this particular day had me working for 15 hours, and by day’s end, I was exhausted and so mentally drained that I made a mistake at work. A BAD mistake. This mistake cost me my job. Afterward, the same coworker who covered for me before needed coverage and, still hurting from what happened the last time I agreed to help someone by covering for them, I said I would not cover her shift. She was forced to work her shift but she came in that day VERY ANGRY and she gave me a dirty look before slamming a door. I had a VERY strong feeling she was mad at me for not covering for her. And I suspected that maybe she had expected me to cover for her after she had covered for me. It didn’t matter why I was saying no; all she noticed was that I had said no.

 

So, with both of those examples, I can’t help but think that those two people had these expectations attached to their relationship with me. I have come across so many people in life who don’t want to really know me, they just want to know how they can use me. And once they use me, they toss me aside like yesterday’s news. I am not important to them anymore. They don’t need to pay attention to anything I have to say anymore. To them, I am history.

 

And you know what? I really don’t want those kinds of people in my life! I want people who want to have an ACTUAL and REAL friendship with me. If I only exist to them as something they can use for some reason or another, then I don’t want anything to do with them.

 

This is why I have become careful with people that I know. I am selective of who I call “friend.” As has been often the case, I usually don’t find this sort of thing out until it’s too late. I now wonder if there are signs that I need to watch out for so I can bail before the hammer comes crashing down.

 

I wish more people did not have expectations and conditions attached to their friendships or their relationships with others, but unfortunately that is often the case.