Finding My Fit

 In the job as a Direct Support Professional that I currently have, there is one mantra: “Find your fit.” This basically involves finding an individual that we are a good match with. Someone we get along with, who does not target us, who we are able to support to the best of our ability and whose lifestyle/routines are things we are comfortable with. And while this is something that is often said at the place of employment, I have found that this is a good mantra to have in life as well.

 

“Find your fit.” Find the thing that you enjoy doing. Find the person that is “just right” and be their friend or partner (or both). Find the career that works for you.

 

Recently, I was informed that my days at my job were numbered. I learned that I was going to be terminated from the agency due to being written up too many times because of several mistakes I have made over the years. (I was also written up over attendance issues.) So I did the thing that was in my family’s best interest: I resigned. Of course, this news of a pending job loss was devastating for me, and not just because it was the first time I was experiencing a real job loss at my first real job. But also because I put so much of myself into my job. Being a Direct Support Professional became my identity. It became my cause and my passion. It became who I was and what I stood for. And while I realize that leaving one agency means I can totally continue working as a DSP somewhere else, I have realized something this year. A truism: A  Direct Support Professional is not who I am. It is NOT my identity. It is not my “fit” as a career. Yes, I was passionate about my job and it was extremely rewarding. I felt so blessed to know and support the individuals that I served. But the reality is that this is not who I am. It’s just what I did.

 

And with this job loss, I have also realized something else: Jobs come and go. Yes, some people are VERY lucky to be able to work a job at a certain agency for a number of years. (My husband has worked at his job for over 15 years. Bonus: It’s his dream job.) But this is not true for everyone. For some people, it’s just one job after another. I think this is the difference between a “job” and a “career.” A job is temporary but a career is more permanent. A career is something that is our “fit.”

 

And I know in my heart of hearts that DSP is not my fit. It is not meant to be my career. It’s JUST a job! Jobs come and go just like people come and go. I would have liked to make it to Year 3 with this agency, but I guess it wasn’t in the cards.

 

With this realization, I had to ask myself, If being a DSP is not my fit, then what is? What IS my fit?

 

But of course, I already knew the answer.

 

Sometime ago, I spent some time reflecting on all of the changes that have happened in my life ever since I had that health crisis in 2017. When all of a sudden, I wasn’t able to write anymore. Even after I fully recovered from my illness, I still couldn’t write. I wanted to. I tried. It all came out as gibberish. Nothing made sense. So I figured, ok, I’m not a writer anymore. Even though I was able to write reports at work. Even though I still got ideas for things to write. I still couldn’t write like I used to.

 

And because of this, I decided that maybe it was time to try and do other things. Pursue other passions. Pursue other interests and see if they became something viable. And that’s what I focused on for a long time. Some of those things never materialized, but I still have them on the agenda. Even so, none of them involved writing.

 

Then the miracle happened: I wrote a poetry book. After 2 years of NOT being able to write something, I WROTE SOMETHING! I was shocked. I actually wrote a real book. A poetry book, yes, but it was a book all the same.

 

This made me realize something: That writer in me is still there. She may have been on hiatus, but SHE WAS STILL THERE! Just waiting to come out when the time was right.

 

And this was a huge wake-up call for me. It made me realize, you know, “What am I doing? I am a fucking writer!” I NEED TO BE WRITING!

 

But of course, I wasn’t yet able to write on demand. Not like before. Before, I wrote for hours every day. The muse was upon me! But now, it wasn’t.

 

So I figured, you know, I would use the same therapy I applied when I was recovering from alcoholism. I used the same strategy I employed to keep myself from drinking again: I would feed myself affirmations and pep talks on the daily. I would be my own coach.

 

And that’s what I did. I told myself that it was ok to write again. It was ok to write even if nothing sold. (My books hardly ever sold and still don’t and that was a problem spot for me.) I told myself that I did not need anyone’s approval to be a writer again. I didn’t need anyone else’s validation or permission to write – just my own. And even though I made mistakes as a writer in the past, I had to forgive myself for those mistakes. I didn’t know better or I was a drunk or I just didn’t have the mental capacity to finish a project as fast as somebody wanted me to. I couldn’t allow those mistakes to hold my ability to write hostage. And I also told myself, “We really aren’t going to allow the writing to take over our life again. It will not chain me to the desk. I will not write for hours every day and miss out on everything else in life. Maybe writing for just an hour is ok. Or even for just 5 minutes!”

 

And I guess all that pep talk worked, because, guess what? I am writing again. I am, once again, a writer.

 

And I know that THIS is who I am. THIS is my identity. I am a writer. No matter what disappears from my life or what takes a sudden exit, I know that the writing will ALWAYS be there. It will always be something that I can fall back on, rely on, and find healing from.

 

Sure, I will need to still work a job because, you know, I DO have bills to pay and I would really like to be able to keep putting food on the table. The jobs will happen in their own time. I will find another job and then, in the event that doesn’t work out either, another job even then! I don’t know if my next job will also be as a DSP. This whole experience has shaken my self-confidence as a DSP and it has made me question my ability to do the work. This particular job as a Direct Support Professional was my very first go at being a Direct Support Professional! I had to learn everything the hard way. I MIGHT try for another agency, I don’t know. Even as a friend has encouraged me to give it another go and I’m thinking of trying again somewhere else, I am not 100% sure if I can apply for another DSP position at another agency. Perhaps I need time to find my confidence again. But even as I work a job somewhere else, I will still write. I CAN work a job and write at the same time! It is finally happening. And no matter what job title I might have next, “writer” is the one that I am sticking with.

 

I am a writer. Maybe not a bestselling writer and not a famous writer, but a writer all the same. Nothing and no one can change that or ever take it away. Writing is what I want to do and I know in my heart that it is what I am meant to do. It is my calling. I am meant to write. I must write.

 

So no matter what jobs I have in my lifetime, I will always be one thing: A writer. That is my job title. That is my career. And that is my fit.