Two years sober

Today – October 12, 2019 – is a special day for me. It marks two years of being sober. The night that I took my last drink, on October 11, 2017, I never realized that it would be my last. It had been a normal day for me, with another round of beers that I would consume. I had been drinking heavily every day for several years and had experienced many health problems because of it, but on that night, the “health problem” that I experienced was almost the death of me. I didn’t know it at the time, but I later learned that the pancreatitis my chronic drinking caused could be fatal if left untreated. So if it hadn’t been for my oldest child calling 911 on that night as I was lying in bed and writhing in pain, I might not have made it.

I have never forgotten that lesson ever since and I have never forgotten being loaded into an ambulance then looking out to see my children scared and crying. I never forgot that I was the one that did that to them.

These memories are one of the things that have kept me going on my journey in sobriety. I also remember how I was so sick in the hospital, constantly vomiting and extremely weak, and struggling to stay alive. That was such a torturing experience. Those few days I was in the hospital recovering from an alcohol-induced illness were a nightmare. But while I was in that hospital, I had a lot of time to think about what exactly I was doing to myself. I was put on a 72-hour fast during my recovery, and whether it was from starvation or almost dying from an illness, I had a strong feeling like the spirit of my father was in that room with me. My father had basically “drank himself to death.” I have often thought of it as “suicide by alcohol.” It was alcohol that had killed him, and now alcohol had almost killed me too. It’s so strange that all it took was one drink for the pancreatitis to flare up, but the doctor thought that perhaps my many days of binge drinking up until that time had set the wheels in motion, and all it took was one drink more of alcohol for things to get worse.

So I did a lot of thinking and soul-searching, and I made the decision that it was time to stop. I could not continue on this path of self-destruction. My kids needed me. And, I knew that there was still so much in life that I still wanted to do. So many plans I had and things I missed out on. It was time to enjoy life and live as much of it as I could, because it could be gone just like that.

And as awesome a day as it is for me, I am not as happy today as I thought I might be. I was excited as the day drew closer, but recent events this week have knocked me off course. My uncle passed away, we lost one of our animals, and a dear family member was rendered paralyzed due to an illness that almost killed her. So it has been hard to be happy about today. Last night, I broke down and cried because I couldn’t handle all the pain from that one week. But today, I have realized something: Those bad things that happened are a reminder that life is so fleeting. We should never take life for granted, never take our loved ones for granted, and …. Never take the time that we have here on this Earth for granted. A mistake we make is thinking we have time. That there will always be a later. That it’s ok to put things off. But it’s not. Tomorrow is never promised. We don’t know what could happen a week from now, a year from now.

When I was sitting at that desk writing every day and pretty much avoiding life, writing books like crazy instead of living life like crazy, I thought it was always going to be this way. That I would be like that forever.

But all the things that have happened in my life in these two years have taught me that nothing is forever. Nothing will always be the same. We should never get comfortable with the status quo. Times change, things change, and life definitely changes.

Of course, my journey to stay sober and live alcohol-free has not been easy. I am tempted to drink every day, especially when I get hit by things that usually drove me to drinking. Dwelling on the past made me drink, so I stopped living in the past. Beating myself up and hating myself over past mistakes made me drink, so I learned how to forgive myself and stay true to the new and better person that I am because I learned from those mistakes. Being unhappy with my life made me drink, so I made changes that allowed me to love my life and enjoy how I was living it. Stress made me drink, so I looked for more healthier ways to deal with stress. Pain from loss also made me drink – I still mourn the loss of my mom, hate how I can’t share good memories of my father because everybody hated him, and the loss of other dear relatives and animals still hurts – but I have made peace with the losses, and it no longer drives me to drink. And, of course, I know I have an “addictive tendency” when it comes to alcohol. This was my third attempt to get sober. The first two involved limiting alcohol or modifying my drinking habits. But I learned that I am unable to control myself around alcohol. It is sad but true. I get addictive with it. So, that is why I decided that my strategy this time would involve being COMPLETELY alcohol-free. No alcohol at all. And so far, that has worked. I won’t even allow myself a sip.

It has been a long and difficult journey, but I have made it to two years. I am so thrilled and happy that I have made it this far. I love living an alcohol-free life. I love how I am healthier now, can do more things with my kids now, and be a better person now. I know that prolonged alcoholism turned me into a bad person who did bad things. I know I hurt people and did things that I should not have done, that no rational person would do. I can’t go back and change any of that. For a long time, I coped with the regret of how my drinking made me hurt others. But I have learned to forgive myself for this too, and accept the consequences. The people who cut off contact with me, the people who said cruel things to me because of it, and the judgments allotted to me. I know better now and vow never to go back to those ways and be more mindful of my actions towards others.

Of course, I lost people after I became sober, too. Two people broke off their connection with me when I was standing up for myself against another person’s drama (they decided to take sides, I guess). And I was no longer okay with certain poor habits of how I was being treated by other people or the kind of person that I was towards them. I also felt that it was time to try to communicate with people, so-called "friends" I thought I could talk about ANYTHING with, instead of just ignoring things and hoping they will go away. The person I am now is not ok with “bad things” sitting there waiting to get worse or just ignoring them. The person I am now tackles bad things and tries to fix things. For example, my house has been in disrepair for a very long time, with lots of broken things. While I was drinking, I let it fester like that for years. I no longer do that! I have been spending several months on working to change that. I am also repairing my credit and working on getting out of debt. The old me was ok with all of that stuff, but the new me is not. The new me expects better, demands better. And maybe the new me just needed new people, too. I DID have new people come into my life after I got sober, and they have been extremely supportive and just good people to have around. (Well, most of them, anyway. You can’t really control exposure to negative coworkers!) I got a job after I became sober, and this job has been a HUGE learning experience, contributing to the person I am eventually transforming into. And I no longer waste my time on things that are a waste of time. Because I know that life is too short and our time with our life is so precious.

So, I lost people and things when I became sober, but I gained new people and new things when I became sober, too. I thought I lost my muse when I became sober, because I didn’t write for a long time. But then I started writing again here and there. I am starting to think that the writer in me just needed time to recover, too. Time to change into a different writer with different writing habits. I have hope that I will write again in the near future, but right now my attention and energy are focused on other things – namely, rebuilding and repairing. And, living a healthy life.

I am not yet where I want to be in life, but I’m still working on making things happen. Ultimately, I have learned that recovery is a process. It’s not something you can rush or force. And it has to happen in its own time and in its own way. It is still a learning process for me, but also a growing one too. I am learning to love myself just a little bit more each day, and also to love the life that I am living. You only get one life. Don’t waste it.