Remembering the Old Me

Today, I came across a news headline that gave me pause: Scientists have found a way to change memory in mice and now they wonder if they can do the same for humans.

After I saw that headline, I thought: I don’t want any of my memories to be changed!

When I was a drunk, I used to joke that I had some brain cells that I wanted to destroy. Or that I wanted to forget certain memories that were haunting me.

But these days, I would rather hold on to my memories, as bad as some of them are.

But, later, when I was chatting with one of my siblings, a new thought struck: Is it possible for recovering alcoholics to remember everything about what their life was like during their drinking days? Is it possible for them to forget some of the most horrible things they did when they were drunk?

I was wondering this because, in that conversation, my sibling was talking about how a former drunk had told her that he blacked out and forgot about the things he had done when he was drunk. Really? He had forgotten that he beat one of his children? Or that he molested another one? (Sidenote: He is currently in jail for such crimes.)

But how is it possible that he forgot that he had done those terrible and cruel things? I would think that’s a hard thing to forget!

But I am not a psychologist. I know that overdrinking or even a drinking problem affects memory, but would it affect it that badly?

I, for one, remember everything that I did when I was a drunk. I remember the guilt trips I played on my kids and the little lies I told people about how much I’d had to drink, or that I hadn't been drinking. I remember the petty arguments I got into with people and the things that I did. I was an asshole.

Now, I’m not going to do some cop-out and say, “Oh, the alcohol made me do those things.” It didn’t. The alcohol just muddled my thinking. It affected my ability to decide between what was right and what was wrong. I did not have good judgment and I did not have a sound moral character because the booze warped my thinking and affected my behavior.

So, yeah. Pretty much an asshole.

And as much as I hate to remember all of the things that I did and all the people that I hurt, I don’t want to wipe away those memories. They make me sad and they make me angry. They make me want to kick my own ass! And punch myself in the face! I was a shitty person. I was a bad person. And I don’t like to think about those things and I don’t like remembering them, but I DO need to remember them. Because every single time I am tempted to drink again (which is EVERY FUCKING DAY), all I have to do is pull up those memories and ask myself this question: Do I want to go back to being that person again? Do I want to go back to hurting people and losing friendships/relationships with people?

Of course not! I don’t want to be that person ever again. I LIKE the new me – the sober me – and I think I want to keep the new me around a little longer. Heck, maybe forever! Despite losing friends now and despite being scared of this new person that I am now because this person is so DIFFERENT, I think I am a better person now than I was before. I sure hope so.

So I want to keep the new me and I will want to keep the old me, too. I can’t forget about the old me, because the old me is a reminder of the reason why I need to stay sober. And why I need to make sure the new me stays on as her replacement.