Finding my way as a deaf person in the working world
In my last blog post, I was talking about how I was going to apply for a job as an assistant to people with disabilities. The place I was going to apply for this job called such a person a “direct support professional,” or DSP for short. I applied for the job and was eventually hired. After some time spent training, I was able to actually do that kind of work. Since this was my first “real” job after years of odd jobs babysitting, petsitting, cleaning offices and houses and as a working writer who worked from home, I have since learned all of the real-world rules about having a real job and being a part of the working world. And despite being profoundly deaf (and without a hearing aid – my last hearing aid caused my ear to become infected and I was pretty much against getting a new one), I was still able to work this job. And that was great. Then my anxiety and panic attacks started up again – and this time, more frequently than they have in the past – but I have been figuring out ways to deal with that too.
It has definitely been a challenge. I was really put to the test and experienced many highs and lows since I started working my job in December. But I was still happy that I was gainfully employed. I was actually earning more money each month than I had as a working writer working from home. And I felt really good about having a job, too. I did also notice how people started treating me differently once they learned I was now working. (Part of me hated that, because it would have been NICE to get their respect when I was working from home, but let’s not get into that right now.) Yeah, I felt really good about myself for having a job and for working. My schedule got crazy sometimes, but I was still happy to have a job and I loved the work, too. It was very fulfilling work.
The thing that made me decide to pursue this type of job was a dream that I had. Here is an excerpt from another blog in which I talked about that dream. I should note that at the time that I had the dream, I was still struggling to get a job and applying EVERYWHERE for over a year. I wasn’t even sure what kind of job to look for or what I wanted to do. This dream helped me to figure that out:
I dreamed that I was working a particular job. I was an assistant to the disabled. The work I was doing in the dream was helping a young girl in a wheelchair get around to wherever she needed to go. One particular destination was a concert. And while I’m not much for concerts (really can’t hear the music, ya know? Though I do like to watch dance moves), I stuck around while she was there enjoying the show. And I noticed how happy she was to be at that concert, how her face just lit up and she was just so thrilled to be there, that I felt good about playing a part in making sure she got a chance to be there. I just felt good about being able to make that experience for her happen because I helped her to get there.
And when I woke up from that dream, I said, “That’s it!”
So I applied for the job and I got that job. I felt like I was really on the right path.
And I still do feel that way, but something happened yesterday that is making me wonder if this job is the right fit for me.
For the past two weeks, I had been training for a new shift. When I first went to this location to meet the supervisor and individuals, I was stunned because I met the girl in my dream there. Yes, I REALLY met the girl from my dream! As surprised as I was, though, I kept wondering, Why was I brought here? Why did I dream about this person? Why am I supposed to be here?
Unfortunately, after two weeks, I still don’t know the answers to that question. And I don’t think I will ever know those answers now. Because yesterday I was told that I would not get that particular shift. After two weeks, the supervisor decided that it was best that I not work there.
As painful as it was to be told this – because they are all amazing people and I liked them a lot and I liked the individuals a lot too – the worst part about this news is the very reason why I could not get this shift: Because I can’t hear. I can’t go into details about what exactly I would need to be able to hear, because it would compromise the privacy of the individuals they support, but let me just say that I did agree with this decision because I had witnessed firsthand exactly what they were talking about.
I agreed with the decision, but that doesn’t mean that I am happy about it. I am very saddened that I won’t be able to work with those lovely people anymore. I am saddened that I won’t be able to go to such an awesome place anymore. But most of all, I am saddened because it is my deafness preventing me from getting this particular shift.
I do still have the job, but I don’t have this shift.
And it just hurts a whole lot that I didn’t get it. I am extremely upset and very depressed that I didn’t get it. And that I probably won’t ever see them again, I won’t ever see that girl again. I’ll never get to take her to a concert.
I was so saddened by this news and I am still depressed about it. On the day this happened, I cried all the way home. I cried some more after I talked with my family about what happened. It is still very upsetting.
And it is just so damn unfair. I could work hard at this job, give my very best and do everything I needed to do to show that I was a valuable part of the team, and it wouldn’t matter because I can’t hear. Nothing I would do would matter. I’m deaf, and that means I can’t be a part of any team at all.
This is not the first time that something didn’t happen for me because of my deafness. There were other jobs I didn’t get (one woman told me she wouldn’t hire me because I couldn’t use the phone), other dreams I could not fulfill (wanted to join the Air Force when I was a teenager), and other things I could not do (like sing a song that was playing!!).
So, yeah. Being deaf sucks. Being deaf has never been a good thing for me. Maybe it helped me to understand the troubles that the deaf community go through and it may have meant the opportunity to write for a newspaper for the deaf, but so many other things in my life just didn’t come about BECAUSE of my deafness. Because I cannot hear. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the reasons why someone who could hear decided NOT to be in a relationship with me in the past because I can’t hear and they would prefer someone they can talk to on the phone.
I would give ANYTHING to be able to hear again. I don’t LIKE being deaf. For the longest time, in my teen and early adult years, I was sad because I couldn’t hear music anymore. (I became deaf when I was 13.) I loved music. I listened to it and I sang it. And now it was gone. No more music. No more sound.
And because of my left ear being the way it is, I can only wear one hearing aid. The hearing aid could only do so much for me. It hurt my ear so badly, though, that I was scared off of them for a long time. I don’t even know if a hearing aid could help me now. And I know there is the cochlear implant (CI), but I was told it could take years for it to work well enough for me to have much use.
I don’t know where I want to go from here. I love the work, because I know I am making a difference in the lives of the individuals supported, but I don’t know if I can even do this kind of work on a competent level. I’m deaf, and that’s a problem. I have thought about getting something to fix THAT problem, but I don’t even know if I can rely on that (like a hearing aid) long-term. I have also thought of getting a different job – maybe I can go back to cleaning houses (you don’t need to hear to be able to clean a house, right??) – but I don’t like that idea very much because it means leaving everyone else I have met through this job behind. And they are all awesome, too. Getting another job would mean not seeing them so much anymore.
And I think about how VERY LONG it took me to get the job I have now. I mean, I was applying for jobs for over a YEAR until I got this one. That’s a long time to be unemployed.
And I also think about something else, too. The BIG thing: Is this really what would make me decide to leave a job? Because my deafness is a problem for a particular shift?
I can’t allow that to be an issue. I can’t let myself be taken out of the picture so easily. I have to fight for myself! And I have to fight for my right to keep this job!
I just need some time to get my bearings. I need to get over this HUGE disappointment and this sadness.
I am grateful that I had the chance to try out for this shift, though. I harbor no ill will against the supervisor or the people working at that location. I do not hold a grudge against any of them. I will remember them all fondly. I loved working there and I have happy memories from working there. I am grateful for that, too. And I am grateful that I got to meet the girl from my dream. I will never forget her. I will never forget any of them.
It has definitely been a challenge. I was really put to the test and experienced many highs and lows since I started working my job in December. But I was still happy that I was gainfully employed. I was actually earning more money each month than I had as a working writer working from home. And I felt really good about having a job, too. I did also notice how people started treating me differently once they learned I was now working. (Part of me hated that, because it would have been NICE to get their respect when I was working from home, but let’s not get into that right now.) Yeah, I felt really good about myself for having a job and for working. My schedule got crazy sometimes, but I was still happy to have a job and I loved the work, too. It was very fulfilling work.
The thing that made me decide to pursue this type of job was a dream that I had. Here is an excerpt from another blog in which I talked about that dream. I should note that at the time that I had the dream, I was still struggling to get a job and applying EVERYWHERE for over a year. I wasn’t even sure what kind of job to look for or what I wanted to do. This dream helped me to figure that out:
I dreamed that I was working a particular job. I was an assistant to the disabled. The work I was doing in the dream was helping a young girl in a wheelchair get around to wherever she needed to go. One particular destination was a concert. And while I’m not much for concerts (really can’t hear the music, ya know? Though I do like to watch dance moves), I stuck around while she was there enjoying the show. And I noticed how happy she was to be at that concert, how her face just lit up and she was just so thrilled to be there, that I felt good about playing a part in making sure she got a chance to be there. I just felt good about being able to make that experience for her happen because I helped her to get there.
And when I woke up from that dream, I said, “That’s it!”
So I applied for the job and I got that job. I felt like I was really on the right path.
And I still do feel that way, but something happened yesterday that is making me wonder if this job is the right fit for me.
For the past two weeks, I had been training for a new shift. When I first went to this location to meet the supervisor and individuals, I was stunned because I met the girl in my dream there. Yes, I REALLY met the girl from my dream! As surprised as I was, though, I kept wondering, Why was I brought here? Why did I dream about this person? Why am I supposed to be here?
Unfortunately, after two weeks, I still don’t know the answers to that question. And I don’t think I will ever know those answers now. Because yesterday I was told that I would not get that particular shift. After two weeks, the supervisor decided that it was best that I not work there.
As painful as it was to be told this – because they are all amazing people and I liked them a lot and I liked the individuals a lot too – the worst part about this news is the very reason why I could not get this shift: Because I can’t hear. I can’t go into details about what exactly I would need to be able to hear, because it would compromise the privacy of the individuals they support, but let me just say that I did agree with this decision because I had witnessed firsthand exactly what they were talking about.
I agreed with the decision, but that doesn’t mean that I am happy about it. I am very saddened that I won’t be able to work with those lovely people anymore. I am saddened that I won’t be able to go to such an awesome place anymore. But most of all, I am saddened because it is my deafness preventing me from getting this particular shift.
I do still have the job, but I don’t have this shift.
And it just hurts a whole lot that I didn’t get it. I am extremely upset and very depressed that I didn’t get it. And that I probably won’t ever see them again, I won’t ever see that girl again. I’ll never get to take her to a concert.
I was so saddened by this news and I am still depressed about it. On the day this happened, I cried all the way home. I cried some more after I talked with my family about what happened. It is still very upsetting.
And it is just so damn unfair. I could work hard at this job, give my very best and do everything I needed to do to show that I was a valuable part of the team, and it wouldn’t matter because I can’t hear. Nothing I would do would matter. I’m deaf, and that means I can’t be a part of any team at all.
This is not the first time that something didn’t happen for me because of my deafness. There were other jobs I didn’t get (one woman told me she wouldn’t hire me because I couldn’t use the phone), other dreams I could not fulfill (wanted to join the Air Force when I was a teenager), and other things I could not do (like sing a song that was playing!!).
So, yeah. Being deaf sucks. Being deaf has never been a good thing for me. Maybe it helped me to understand the troubles that the deaf community go through and it may have meant the opportunity to write for a newspaper for the deaf, but so many other things in my life just didn’t come about BECAUSE of my deafness. Because I cannot hear. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of the reasons why someone who could hear decided NOT to be in a relationship with me in the past because I can’t hear and they would prefer someone they can talk to on the phone.
I would give ANYTHING to be able to hear again. I don’t LIKE being deaf. For the longest time, in my teen and early adult years, I was sad because I couldn’t hear music anymore. (I became deaf when I was 13.) I loved music. I listened to it and I sang it. And now it was gone. No more music. No more sound.
And because of my left ear being the way it is, I can only wear one hearing aid. The hearing aid could only do so much for me. It hurt my ear so badly, though, that I was scared off of them for a long time. I don’t even know if a hearing aid could help me now. And I know there is the cochlear implant (CI), but I was told it could take years for it to work well enough for me to have much use.
I don’t know where I want to go from here. I love the work, because I know I am making a difference in the lives of the individuals supported, but I don’t know if I can even do this kind of work on a competent level. I’m deaf, and that’s a problem. I have thought about getting something to fix THAT problem, but I don’t even know if I can rely on that (like a hearing aid) long-term. I have also thought of getting a different job – maybe I can go back to cleaning houses (you don’t need to hear to be able to clean a house, right??) – but I don’t like that idea very much because it means leaving everyone else I have met through this job behind. And they are all awesome, too. Getting another job would mean not seeing them so much anymore.
And I think about how VERY LONG it took me to get the job I have now. I mean, I was applying for jobs for over a YEAR until I got this one. That’s a long time to be unemployed.
And I also think about something else, too. The BIG thing: Is this really what would make me decide to leave a job? Because my deafness is a problem for a particular shift?
I can’t allow that to be an issue. I can’t let myself be taken out of the picture so easily. I have to fight for myself! And I have to fight for my right to keep this job!
I just need some time to get my bearings. I need to get over this HUGE disappointment and this sadness.
I am grateful that I had the chance to try out for this shift, though. I harbor no ill will against the supervisor or the people working at that location. I do not hold a grudge against any of them. I will remember them all fondly. I loved working there and I have happy memories from working there. I am grateful for that, too. And I am grateful that I got to meet the girl from my dream. I will never forget her. I will never forget any of them.
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