One month alcohol-free
Today is the official one-month anniversary of when I stopped drinking alcohol. I have been officially alcohol-free for an entire month. Just a little over a month ago, on October 11, I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance because I was having severe chest pains. My kids and I thought it was a heart attack, but it wasn’t a heart attack. It was pancreatitis.
And it struck right after I finished drinking one beer. Just one!
Up until then, I don’t think I’d ever heard of pancreatitis. Sure, maybe it was discussed during a Health class I took in college, but I don’t remember for sure. I didn’t know what pancreatitis was. I didn’t know I could get it. Hell, I didn’t think I’d get anything from drinking so much alcohol, since I’d already been drinking heavily up until then and the only thing I had suffered from were some really bad hangovers. I thought I was fine, but I wasn’t. I didn’t think I would get hit with anything serious because of my drinking, but I did.
Sure, I knew that drinking heavily was fatal. My dad pretty much drank himself to death. I know it could cause heart attacks or even cirrhosis, sure. But I looked at other people in my family who were also drinking heavily and I saw that nothing happened to THEM. I thought I was okay.
Well, I wasn’t. The drinking did me in. It was because of the drinking I had to put my kids through the traumatic experience of seeing their mother being loaded into an ambulance and wondering if I was going to die. My son was crying that night as the ambulance drove away with me in it.
So the drinking also put my kids through that, too. So it was that point right there – Right. There. – that made me decide, I’m done. I will never drink again. I’m not going to put myself through this hell again (and what I went through in that hospital during those first two days WAS hell!) and I wasn’t going to let alcohol do this to me again. I didn’t want to be a prisoner to my drinking problem anymore. Alcohol had me in chains! I had tried before to kick that habit and get rid of that addiction. And on one attempt, I thought I was free. But I wasn’t. I went right back to drinking. Well, this time, I won’t be going back. I made that decision in the hospital to never drink again and I am going to stick with it.
So I wasn’t “forced” to stop drinking and sober up. I could have started drinking again this week if I wanted to. Hell, I almost did last night! I ALMOST CAVED IN!
This text is proof of that…
I was curled up on the floor, pulling my hair and going crazy, because the cravings were REALLY getting to me, before I sent my husband that text. I almost gave in to those cravings. I thank God that I didn’t.
I have tried to replace my craving with something else. Namely, ice cream. I know, that’s a bad idea, because I am TRYING to lose weight and ice cream will only make that harder. I am getting rid of OTHER things in my life that cause weight gain! I got rid of alcohol, and that WAS one of them, so ice cream shouldn’t be any different! But I noticed that when the cravings for a beer got to be too hard for me, instead of reaching for that can of beer that’s in the fridge (that was left in there from October!), I reached for the ice cream in the freezer instead. Or, I was drinking grape juice instead of wine.
It has been hell dealing with the cravings for alcohol. One thing I loved about drinking beer was enjoying the taste. There are some damn good beers out there! And I have craved that taste SO BAD these last couple of weeks. It’s been really hard.
I have also had to deal with NOT having alcohol to turn to to help me deal with the BS in life. I no longer have alcohol numbing me to drama and bullshit. I no longer just drink away my problems and stew over them in a drunken state of misery. I HAVE TO FACE ALL THAT STUFF, NOW! And it’s all 100% pure and raw. It all hits me harder now – because I am sober and not quite numb to anything anymore! That has NOT been easy for me to deal with, either! But I am trying to find other ways to deal with all that stuff.
Talking to someone helps. One of my friends, who I am connected with on Facebook, also used to have a drinking problem. She knows what I am going through and has reached out to offer support. And I get a lot of support from family and friends on Facebook, too. They have been amazing. And before I give in to my cravings, I ask myself, How would I feel if they all knew that I gave up and started drinking again? How would my kids feel if they saw me drinking again? How would my husband feel if he came home to find me drunk on the couch, like he has in the past?
Then I asked myself, How would I feel?
I think I would feel pretty rotten! I don’t want to let them all down. And I don’t want to let myself down, either. I have to be strong and stick to my guns. The cravings are pretty damn intense but I MUST NOT give in to them. I am still trying to find a counselor, but it’s good to have friends to talk to, as well.
I haven’t exactly been a pleasant person to live with. I’ve been very jumpy and testy these days. I fly off the handle easily and bite everybody’s head off if they so much as breathe in my direction. I’ve been stomping around the house, slamming doors and cabinets, shaking my fists and yelling. Oh, and bitching, too.
But hopefully that will pass soon. I am thinking of starting meditation. And I have been TRYING to exercise but my stupid cramps have held things up lately. But once that is over, I’ll get back into exercising. I want to run again and I want to see a podiatrist to help me with my feet so that I can run again.
I just want to DO things I wasn’t doing before. I have plans. There are things I want to do and I can’t do them if I am drinking or if I give in to the cravings. I need to stay sober and alcohol-free in order for these things to happen.
In the past, I used to worry about being able to do those things. I knew I had a drinking problem and I was worried it would last forever. And I would NEVER be able to do those things because of the drinking problem! Well, I don’t have a drinking problem now. Now they can happen! And I don’t have to blow off anyone because I was too drunk to drive or worrying about having time to have a drink at night because of other things going on. Now I can do those other things! And give that person a ride if they need it! Hey, I could even now be someone’s designated driver!
Good things can happen now. Things that couldn’t happen before, because I was drinking. Well, I’m not drinking now. I’ve got my life back now. I am getting better. And I am getting stronger.
I am very happy to be sober now and free of the slavery that alcohol had me in. I am so thankful this happened because it is what made me get sober and STAY sober. I may have a hard time dealing with problems until I figure out better ways to handle them, but at least I am thinking more clearly now. And I don’t have trouble sleeping anymore. I am sleeping so much better now. And I don’t wake up feeling like I was ran over by a truck and dealing with a hangover like I was in the past. Now I wake up feeling great and refreshed! (Except on the mornings that I have to get up at 4. Then I’m just tired. Ugh! But at least not tired and hungover at the same time.) I FEEL better now! I am thinking clearly now and seeing things more clearly. And it’s a great feeling to be living a healthier life.
I made it to one month without touching a single drop of alcohol. Now let’s see if I can make it to two.
And it struck right after I finished drinking one beer. Just one!
Up until then, I don’t think I’d ever heard of pancreatitis. Sure, maybe it was discussed during a Health class I took in college, but I don’t remember for sure. I didn’t know what pancreatitis was. I didn’t know I could get it. Hell, I didn’t think I’d get anything from drinking so much alcohol, since I’d already been drinking heavily up until then and the only thing I had suffered from were some really bad hangovers. I thought I was fine, but I wasn’t. I didn’t think I would get hit with anything serious because of my drinking, but I did.
Sure, I knew that drinking heavily was fatal. My dad pretty much drank himself to death. I know it could cause heart attacks or even cirrhosis, sure. But I looked at other people in my family who were also drinking heavily and I saw that nothing happened to THEM. I thought I was okay.
Well, I wasn’t. The drinking did me in. It was because of the drinking I had to put my kids through the traumatic experience of seeing their mother being loaded into an ambulance and wondering if I was going to die. My son was crying that night as the ambulance drove away with me in it.
So the drinking also put my kids through that, too. So it was that point right there – Right. There. – that made me decide, I’m done. I will never drink again. I’m not going to put myself through this hell again (and what I went through in that hospital during those first two days WAS hell!) and I wasn’t going to let alcohol do this to me again. I didn’t want to be a prisoner to my drinking problem anymore. Alcohol had me in chains! I had tried before to kick that habit and get rid of that addiction. And on one attempt, I thought I was free. But I wasn’t. I went right back to drinking. Well, this time, I won’t be going back. I made that decision in the hospital to never drink again and I am going to stick with it.
So I wasn’t “forced” to stop drinking and sober up. I could have started drinking again this week if I wanted to. Hell, I almost did last night! I ALMOST CAVED IN!
This text is proof of that…
I have tried to replace my craving with something else. Namely, ice cream. I know, that’s a bad idea, because I am TRYING to lose weight and ice cream will only make that harder. I am getting rid of OTHER things in my life that cause weight gain! I got rid of alcohol, and that WAS one of them, so ice cream shouldn’t be any different! But I noticed that when the cravings for a beer got to be too hard for me, instead of reaching for that can of beer that’s in the fridge (that was left in there from October!), I reached for the ice cream in the freezer instead. Or, I was drinking grape juice instead of wine.
It has been hell dealing with the cravings for alcohol. One thing I loved about drinking beer was enjoying the taste. There are some damn good beers out there! And I have craved that taste SO BAD these last couple of weeks. It’s been really hard.
I have also had to deal with NOT having alcohol to turn to to help me deal with the BS in life. I no longer have alcohol numbing me to drama and bullshit. I no longer just drink away my problems and stew over them in a drunken state of misery. I HAVE TO FACE ALL THAT STUFF, NOW! And it’s all 100% pure and raw. It all hits me harder now – because I am sober and not quite numb to anything anymore! That has NOT been easy for me to deal with, either! But I am trying to find other ways to deal with all that stuff.
Talking to someone helps. One of my friends, who I am connected with on Facebook, also used to have a drinking problem. She knows what I am going through and has reached out to offer support. And I get a lot of support from family and friends on Facebook, too. They have been amazing. And before I give in to my cravings, I ask myself, How would I feel if they all knew that I gave up and started drinking again? How would my kids feel if they saw me drinking again? How would my husband feel if he came home to find me drunk on the couch, like he has in the past?
Then I asked myself, How would I feel?
I think I would feel pretty rotten! I don’t want to let them all down. And I don’t want to let myself down, either. I have to be strong and stick to my guns. The cravings are pretty damn intense but I MUST NOT give in to them. I am still trying to find a counselor, but it’s good to have friends to talk to, as well.
I haven’t exactly been a pleasant person to live with. I’ve been very jumpy and testy these days. I fly off the handle easily and bite everybody’s head off if they so much as breathe in my direction. I’ve been stomping around the house, slamming doors and cabinets, shaking my fists and yelling. Oh, and bitching, too.
But hopefully that will pass soon. I am thinking of starting meditation. And I have been TRYING to exercise but my stupid cramps have held things up lately. But once that is over, I’ll get back into exercising. I want to run again and I want to see a podiatrist to help me with my feet so that I can run again.
I just want to DO things I wasn’t doing before. I have plans. There are things I want to do and I can’t do them if I am drinking or if I give in to the cravings. I need to stay sober and alcohol-free in order for these things to happen.
In the past, I used to worry about being able to do those things. I knew I had a drinking problem and I was worried it would last forever. And I would NEVER be able to do those things because of the drinking problem! Well, I don’t have a drinking problem now. Now they can happen! And I don’t have to blow off anyone because I was too drunk to drive or worrying about having time to have a drink at night because of other things going on. Now I can do those other things! And give that person a ride if they need it! Hey, I could even now be someone’s designated driver!
Good things can happen now. Things that couldn’t happen before, because I was drinking. Well, I’m not drinking now. I’ve got my life back now. I am getting better. And I am getting stronger.
I am very happy to be sober now and free of the slavery that alcohol had me in. I am so thankful this happened because it is what made me get sober and STAY sober. I may have a hard time dealing with problems until I figure out better ways to handle them, but at least I am thinking more clearly now. And I don’t have trouble sleeping anymore. I am sleeping so much better now. And I don’t wake up feeling like I was ran over by a truck and dealing with a hangover like I was in the past. Now I wake up feeling great and refreshed! (Except on the mornings that I have to get up at 4. Then I’m just tired. Ugh! But at least not tired and hungover at the same time.) I FEEL better now! I am thinking clearly now and seeing things more clearly. And it’s a great feeling to be living a healthier life.
I made it to one month without touching a single drop of alcohol. Now let’s see if I can make it to two.
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